


The Yellow Door

by danpuff



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Infidelity, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:14:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24744421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danpuff/pseuds/danpuff
Summary: Severus can't decide which world he wants to be in, and risks losing them both.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Severus Snape, Lily Evans Potter/Severus Snape
Comments: 18
Kudos: 80





	The Yellow Door

As a child, Lily had rebelliously hated the flower she was named for. As an adult, she enjoyed a guilty indulgence of them she never admitted to. Severus knew, though, that her shampoos and soaps and lotions and perfumes were all lily-scented, and she’d carried a bouquet of them at their wedding. 

Severus knew Lily liked to sleep in. Lily hated cooking, so their shared meals were rather simple and quick. Her wardrobe was all solid colors and the occasional floral piece. She took a long, warm bubble bath every Friday night at precisely eight o’clock. When she was stressed, she liked to clean - and if the house was clean, she would wreck it and put it back together. She jogged every morning when she woke up and every evening before dinner. Lily liked to dance, so she dragged him out for classes every two weeks. And if he felt particularly romantic he might grab her hand to dance with her in the living room. Lily always smiled so sweetly when he did this and when the dance was over she would just stand there in his arms, face buried in his chest, breathing him in for a long moment. Then she would kiss him wherever her lips happened to be, and lift her head to kiss his lips and she would tell him she loved him.

She used cinnamon toothpaste, and cherry flavored lip balm, and she wore silver jewelry and almost always wore her hair in a long messy plait. 

Severus learned these things about his wife in one day, between conversations and a haze of memories that were not his, not really. He learned more each visit to this special world where Lily was alive and she was his.

* * *

Yet Severus had obligations in the real world, in his world. He could not stay with Lily, not all of the time. For in another life, his real life, he had a job and a house and a husband. 

Harry was not like his mother. He woke up early and he loved to cook. Harry liked to experiment with cooking, actually, and some of the attempts were awful and others were amazing and occasionally one would be mediocre. He took scalding hot showers that Severus could not tolerate joining him in, however much Harry begged. Harry flew every day. And he was an awful dancer. He had a terrible sweet tooth. And he loved the outdoors, and dragging Severus into the sunshine, or under the stars. He liked picnics a lot. And he often sang, though he was bad at it. 

Severus had learned these things about his husband organically, over time. It had been years and years since Severus had despised him, but it crept back into his heart when he discovered the yellow door, and Lily.

* * *

Lily made love sweetly, quietly. She sighed and caressed and being with her was like floating on air. If she made any noise at all, it was soft and surprised and deeply treasured. Her red curls fanned out on the pillows, pink lips parted in silent cries, her skin silky smooth and unblemished. She liked to cuddle, after, and fell asleep quickly.

* * *

Harry’s love was like fire, like a train speeding out of control. He was passionate. And if Severus hated him now, for pulling him away from Lily, he at least enjoyed this much. The way Harry would grab him, pull him in, kiss him like he was parched, pulled at his clothes in a frenzy. Harry was wild and shameless and loud. He was a tornado sweeping him away, a wildfire raging and destroying and purifying. Bright green eyes were always open, always piercing right through him. And his sun-kissed skin was not so perfect, evidence of an eventful life marred into his flesh. 

And he liked to _cling_ after, like an octopus. He would catch his breath and trace patterns into Severus’s bare skin and place a gentle kiss to each invisible design. 

In those moments, Severus thought he might love him again.

* * *

It was a room in the Department of Mysteries Severus should not have access to, but did. It was an accident, the first time, stumbling into Lily's world. In a room of freestanding doors with Draco Malfoy. Scrabbling to hide when a supervisor came in. Harry beneath the cloak, accidentally knocking him through the cracked open door.

And every day Severus returned to her. To Lily, his first love. To a life where she lived and belonged to him. They took walks and shared meals and took turns reading aloud to each other at night. 

Lily as an adult was different in small ways, but at her core she was every bit as fierce and sweet and smart as she had always been. And he loved her still. He always would. 

But over the months, her eyes turned sad. Their conversations were stilted. The distance between them thick in the air. 

And one day, as he was leaving, and he caught her frown, he began to understand why.

* * *

It was the same in his world, with Harry. His Harry sad and angry and confused. Harry had always been a very sexual creature, but he wanted Severus every time he walked through the door now. They fucked desperately, furiously, like Harry was trying to stake his claim - like some part of him knew what he was losing. 

One night, he rolled out of bed immediately in agitation. He stomped downstairs and Severus did not follow. He laid in bed and stared at the ceiling and felt guilty.

He thought, not for the first time, that he should walk through the yellow door and never come back. But for the first time it didn’t feel so selfish - like it would be better for Harry if Severus left and never returned.

* * *

Lily refused to make love to him like this. She rolled away and said she wasn’t in the mood. When he pulled her off of the sofa to dance, she went to his arms reluctantly. They swayed back and forth to the music. Severus’s mind buzzed in a panic, wanting to fix what he had broken and unsure how. When the song ended, Lily looked up at him so sadly, but she still said, “I love you”, like she always did. 

And Severus said “I love you, too” and for the first time wondered if he was lying.

* * *

One Thursday in June both Lily and Harry snapped at him. 

Lily sat at the kitchen table, hands on the wood, calm and cold, demanding answers. 

Harry paced the living room floor, spittle flying out of his mouth, voice trembling with rage and heartbreak he’d been swallowing back for so long. 

Severus could tell neither the truth. Why he was gone so often. Why he had changed. Why he was so distant and distracted. 

Harry left that night and by the time he came home the next morning, Severus was already back through the yellow door.

* * *

Severus tried, he did, to make Lily happy. He brought home a bouquet of yellow lilies one Tuesday afternoon, on a whim. He tried and failed to make her favorite white chocolate caramel candies, and though they were not right, she was pleased by the effort. They went dancing every weekend. He stayed in Lily’s world more and more often. 

And though Lily was happier, brighter, lovelier, Severus was not.

And one night in bed, with her softly snoring on his chest, he thought of Harry. And he wanted him badly. And loved him deeply. 

So he slipped carefully out from beneath his wife, and crept downstairs and back through the yellow door. 

And at home, Harry was gone. 

His broomstick was gone. His ratty trainers. His favorite chocolate biscuits. His minty toothpaste. Every trace of him gone but for the golden wedding band sitting on the bedside table.

Numbly Severus sneaked back to the Department of Mysteries, winding his way through the labyrinth of doors, the familiar pathway to the yellow one. It always seemed such a welcoming, sunshiney shade, but to him now it looked garish, like a mocking smile. 

But back through it he went, because he did not know where else to go. And Harry was coming by today, Lily had said. Not his Harry, but a Harry.

* * *

The Yellow Door Harry was cold to Severus, as collected as his mother on the surface. But lurking in those brilliant green eyes was a fire he well knew. 

This Harry made snide remarks at dinner that Severus returned venomously. Lily, in a resigned tone, scolded them both. They glared at each other from across the table.

Inside him a voice was screaming, words drowned out by a howling wind. This was not right, none of this was right. He should not have come back. He should have found Harry, His Harry, to make things right. There was still time now, wasn’t there?

But Severus was afraid. Afraid he’d lost His Harry for good.

So at night, when Lily was asleep, he slipped into the guest room and into This Harry’s bed. This Harry was just as hot beneath his hands as His Harry, and moaned just as loudly - loud enough that Severus had to clamp a hand over his mouth to muffle the sound. This Harry loved being fucked just as much as His Harry, was just as fiery and strong and greedy. 

But after, he did not trace patterns into Severus’s skin. He flopped one arm over his face and panted and stared at the wall, lost and ashamed.

Severus left his bed and stood outside of his door for a long time.

He would go back to his world bright and early. He would find His Harry. He would make this right.

And if he could not, well. The yellow door would be waiting for him. And he would settle for This Harry instead.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] The Yellow Door](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28616316) by [monarchyofone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/monarchyofone/pseuds/monarchyofone)




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